Updates.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Alright. 

My last post was in november. That was a long time ago. 

A lot has happened since then. I feel like saying “a lot”…doesn’t even begin to live up to what I’ve actually gone through.  

One thing that I’ve learned in these…six months, is how to adapt. This time last year, heck, in November I remember telling myself “I don’t know what I’d do without her”, in referring to my best friend at the time. I was so bonded to her, our lives were so mingled. I imagined us being together forever. I always imagined being her everything, and then, in the blink of an eye I was her nothing.

It is hard to face the fact that you need someone more than they need you.  It’s even harder to face the fact that you’ve always needed them in a different way than they needed you, and that they will never need you like that. 

And you are heartbroken, and you feel like you will never be happy again, and you are positive that your entire life will go downhill from there…

and then, one day you don’t think about that person. 

And then, you go two days without thinking about that person.

 

And then before you know it, you are living your life without a person you thought would be with you forever. 

 

So, if any of you have ever experienced heartbreak, or are scared that you are too attached to someone, or have lost someone recently…

time heals everything. I still miss what we had, I still miss what I tricked myself into believing we could have, but I don’t feel the constant pain anymore, and that is a blessing. 

In the end, I’m glad I experienced that pain, because it makes me feel more empathetic to others in the situation I was in, and because I no longer take my happiness for granted. 

 

That’s all, for now. 

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Love.

I’ve run into a lot of Christians lately who seem to have forgotten how to love everyone.  I know some people are easier to love than others, but these people are being hateful, and mean.  They make me ashamed to be associated with them.  I’m thankful that my love for God is greater than my distaste for them, because if it wasn’t I would never set foot in a church again. I need to find it in my heart to forgive them, and to pray to God to help me love them more.

There are a lot of things that we simply don’t know.  We don’t know who will go to heaven and who will go to hell, and we are given limited information on what heaven and hell will be like. We don’t know the thoughts of everyone, we don’t know the struggles people go through.  All we can do is attempt to empathize, be patient, and kind.  If we feel like someone is going off in a direction that isn’t healthy, and it is our place we can attempt to lovingly correct them, but we must be delicate.  

I know this kind of sounds like a rant, but I’m really pouring my heart out here. I’ve been so hurt lately by people who claim to be Christians. Most of them are in positions of leadership, as well.  

It sucks to know people think you’re disgusting, when they don’t even know anything about you.

 

I’m done rambling now, I’m sorry. 

 

 

What a trip.

I don’t really know where to begin this post, but I feel the need to share my experience this past weekend, and early this week.

If you do not know this already, I battle with anxiety.  Normally I win, but on occasion I lose and succumb to attacks.  They are horrible, but nothing has ever been as horrible as the attack I had this weekend.

On Saturday night I started to have feelings of anxiety, and I pushed them away for a while, but before long they overwhelmed me.  I had clear visions of myself laying dead, or of myself dying.  This fear of death took me over so completely, I could barely breathe.  I finally fell asleep that night, but on Sunday morning I was just as distraught.

I walked into my mom’s room, and climbed into bed with her, telling her what had happened.  I love my mom so much.  If it was not for her, I could not have made it through this weekend.  She is the best mother a person could ever ask for.  She held me as if I was a little kid again, and started to pray for me.  I felt so far away from God, and that scared me.  It scared me so deeply.

Though I’ve “believed” in God since I was a little kid, I don’t think I became a Christian until I was twelve.  It wasn’t until then that I really thought about it for myself, and believed for myself.

The only other time I had an attack like this, was when I was fourteen.  It ended up going away with prayer.  But when you are in one of these manic states, you can’t remember that you’ve been there before, you can’t remember that it does in fact get better.

I have never been so scared in my life, as I was on Sunday morning.

Eventually I got so bad I couldn’t handle it, so my mom and dad took me to the hospital.  I got a shot of something, and it did calm me down a bit.  They also prescribed me some pills of the same medicine, that have been helping me.

Nothing has helped me more than prayer, though.  I think I have prayed more in the past three days than I have in my whole life.  My days have been in constant conversation with God.  As I’ve been talking to Him again, I’ve begun to notice all of the beautiful things he does.

This morning as I looked out my bedroom window, and saw the light streaming in, filtering through the chartreuse leaves of the bush outside my window, I felt him.  He is in the light, He is in the leaves, He is in absolutely everything.

As the air glides through my nostrils, and into my lungs, I feel him.  As the air turns inside me, and leaves my lips, I feel him.

 

 

I know this blog was not written well AT ALL.  I wrote it in about ten minutes.  I just really wanted to tell my story.

 

For any of you who feel anxious, or far away from God; just pray.  Even if you feel like He can’t hear you; pray.

 

❤ Ella.

Borrowed Time.

Wind on skin,
ink on paper.

Time to begin,
time to move over.

Forget what’s been done,
let it all go.

Nobody has won,
we are all low.

Clean slate:
emptyness.
Create:
contentedness.

Let them in, but don’t hold on,
after all,
we’re already gone.

Too many thoughts, too little time.

This Summer has been absolutely wonderful.  Very laid back, but lots of fun still.   I start school on Wednesday, and I am really excited, and nervous, and all this other stuff.

 

I have so many things on my mind right now, and I can’t even begin to get them all down, here.  Empathy has been on my mind a lot lately.  I feel like everyone is so busy loving their own opinions, that they don’t have enough time to love people. I hate thinking about hurting people, and I just want to be everyone’s friend, and put a big bandaid on the world.  But I can’t, not on my own, anyway.  I don’t like seeing people misrepresented, and I hate seeing God misrepresented.

I’m rambling.

My bible reading has been so scattered here lately.  I need to sit down and actually read a whole chapter, instead of reading a few verses from a bunch of different places.

I don’t know why I’m saying all of this.  I guess I’ve just rambled on and on about these issues to everyone, and I still feel like I haven’t said enough.

 

Oh well.

 

I love you all.

 

Wish me luck on school starting!

What a hiatus!

Wow, it’s sad that I haven’t had anything to put here for so many months.  I’ve been experiencing some major writing cramps, but I have been doing a lot of photography.  I might post some later today.

While I was gone, I graduated High School, got registered for classes at my University, got awarded a scholarship [HECKYES], and have been pretty much just enjoying not being in school.  I am so excited and nervous about college, all at the same time.   I decided my major some time last year, and decided my minor earlier this year.  I will be majoring in Psychology, and minoring in Philosophy.  I might add another minor in rehabilitation services or something, I’m not sure as of now.

I’m not sure of much, but I am sure that I want to be a friend.

I’ve been reading a lot in the Bible, visiting different churches, and reading a philosophy book I purchased at a bookstore here in my town.  The title of the Book is “Belief: Readings on the reason for faith” by Francis Collins.  I have not finished it, but I am in /love/ with it so far.  It is not promoting Christianity, it is simply promoting belief in a Deity that is interested in human life.  It has writings from Plato, Augustine of Hippo, N.T. Wright, and many more people I can’t think of.

Aside from that book, I have also completely immersed myself  in William Penn.  He is one of the most brilliant men to walk the earth, that I am sure of.  He was so far ahead of his time.  “Some fruits of Solitude: Reflections and Maxms”, and “More Fruits of Solitude.” are WONDERFUL. Oh my Goodness.  My favorite thing he has written is on the union of friends, and I will post it below.

127. They that love beyond the World, cannot be separated by it.   1
  128. Death cannot kill, what never dies.   2
  129. Nor can Spirits ever be divided that love and live in the same Divine Principle; the Root and Record of their Friendship.   3
  130. If Absence be not death, neither is theirs.   4
  131. Death is but Crossing the World, as Friends do the Seas; They live in one another still.   5
  132. For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is Omnipresent.   6
  133. In this Divine Glass, they see Face to Face; and their Converse is Free, as well as Pure.   7
  134. This is the Comfort of Friends, that though they may be said to Die, yet their Friendship and Society are, in the best Sense, ever present, because Immortal.

There are so many little gems I have learned from these people, and I wish I could share them all with you, but  am too disorganized for my own good.(:

I hope all is well,

Ella. ❤

Houdini.

we are all beautiful.

we are all wrong.

we are all something else,

we are not strong.

we all want

anything
to get us through the day,

we all need

suffering,
to teach us not to stray.

we will not

let it go

until we understand,

that life is just

a magic trick,
we are the command.